darling,

because the overuse of syllables sounds like goodbye creeping up your spine, like the last memory before goodnight has burned through every winter lost at sea. 

the earth has always been your broken heart, and though we look back in time and them stars, I’ve been looking for meaning in the eyes of strangers. 

I’m sorry for the hearts that I’ve broken looking for yours. 

I’m sorry for the lips I’ve promised rest to while fueling excuses to let go of the hands that weren’t yours.

always yours, never mine. 

always yours, never an umbrella to lighten your thoughts. 

I used to think we were growing wiser, but maybe we just stopped believe in our dreams, maybe every stop light is a clam that exercises forgiveness. 

I know I leave cement in the wake of your breaths, that every minute that silence passes is another ocean higher than the sunrises you’ve seen, but I can only hope that showing you all this will cure wounds that you don't want to share. 

one day when I’m old & time takes my memories, I hope it only erases the parts of my life that you weren’t in. ask my hands if they dream of you, and you’ll hear every airplane wish I’ve bled through these wrists. 

and I know I can’t fix you, but I will sure as hell love you like you’re not broken - thank you for making my life brighter.  

--

"kenzie! you said you'd stop posting super depressing poetry!" yeah, yeah, let me live.

it's so weird. one of the american girl blogs i followed when i was 10 just posted for the first time in so long. and it reminded me of my childhood and how american girl dolls and books were my escape from what seemed like the neverending abuse and yelling that happened in my household. and i have such vivid memories of a girl playing with her dolls to escape her world.

and that's on trauma coping mechanisms (,:

--

i plan on doing a life updates post soon, considering i constantly dip from the internet and no one knows where i go, lol.

stay cool & stay alive,

-kenzie

she feels like sunshine.
...
no.. not just that.
she feels like the moonlight upon my face..?
...
nope, not that either.

she feels like the feeling of coming home,
of hours with best friends,
of hearing your favorite song on the radio.
she feels familiar,
but also unpredictable.
she feels like what poetry sounds like
when it’s sung aloud in a quiet room.

all I hope is that
from me,
that she feels anything at all.

//

yeah, i abandoned this blog again. oopsie.

i really hope you guys are doing well. here's a poem i wrote about my first girlfriend- i'm bisexual, for those who don't know.

stay cool & stay alive,
-kenzie

I've always wanted to run away. You know, like how they do in cliché movies? Hopping on empty buses and trains with no concrete travel plan, to start a new life as a new person in a new city where no one knows one bit about me. I can be who I am, no filters, no need to fit in this mold that familiar faces have made for me. I've been too pushed inside a box wherein I do not fit in, plastered with labels of which I do not understand.

I am not meant to be here, I cannot and I refuse to stay. My feet are itching to wander off to places I have seen only in my dreams. My soul is eager to find peace from flickering lamp posts in unfamiliar alleyways with damp sidewalks. My eyes are yearning for the sight of the different city lights at midnight and the magnificent view of each city's skyline at dusk.

I am not afraid to leave all that I have behind, for a new adventure, a new place. I will always be craving for the unknown wonders that I have yet to see. The unfamiliar no longer frightens me.

Darling, I am sorry, but I am not one to 'settle down'.

// 

 

damn, i just. abandoned this blog? whoops. school and this quarantine thing have been kicking my butt. but i have some updates-

i have been experimenting with names and pronouns. for now, i'm going by kenzie and using they/them pronouns. this blog will also be a bit different now- still poems and such, but more nice and less depressing stuff. thank you guys for dealing with me this far, ily.

stay cool & stay alive,

kenzie