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    there once was a little girl
    who loved stuffed animals
    who feared dark rooms
    and men with dark eyes

    i wish i could say more
    but seventeen years ago
    or seventeen minutes ago
    it’s hard to know who i was
    or who i am
    i do the math
    because my memories are foggy
    and i still have to fight my way through the clouds
    in order to recall something
    anything
    most of the time, i just come up blank.

    but i look at myself in the mirror, and i have to remind myself
    that despite everything,
    it's still you.

    there once was a girl
    not little in youth but small in size
    who still loved stuffed animals
    who still feared dark rooms
    and men with dark eyes

    𐐪𐑂 ♡ 𐐪𐑂

    holy crap?? i'm alive, what??

    it's been over a year since i posted ahaha WHOOPS

    to be honest, i.. kind of forgot this blog existed? i say this all the time but it's true. 

    a few updates about me:
    i'm seventeen now! (i turned seventeen back in november.)
    i'm a junior in high school?? which is absolutely crazy?? i graduate next year??
    i can drive! except i also can't because i almost drove my mom's car into the mailbox. oops.
    i got my septum pierced! i got it done for christmas and it still hurts.

    i've been really super busy with school, i'm taking college level classes right now and it is. absolutely killing me and draining my energy. 

    i miss y'all :[ the blogging community has died a lot since i started and i miss it, i used to really find joy in doing this stuff but now it just feels kind of boring? i still like it of course but it feels like the same four people are posting and everyone else fell off the face of the earth.

    how have y'all been? i miss you </3

    -kenzie

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    hey everyone! happy new year! <3

    todays post is, well, an obvious post, but first i have an apology to make:

    i'm sorry i've disappeared from the blogging universe for a while, i 100% blame school. sadly, my winter break was cut short this schoolyear, because of online school. (my first day of break was last thursday, christmas eve.) we go back to school on monday, so i probably won't be able to post for a while again. i'm sorry i've been ia for so long, but this weekend i'll craft up a couple posts to schedule.

    anyway, back to our regularly scheduled progamming!

    today's post is a post i see lots of bloggers doing, which are new years resolutions and 2020 recaps. and because i'm not creative at all, i'm gonna be hopping on this bandwagon.

    anyway, let's get started!



    ✧・゚: *✧・゚:* 2020 recap  *:・゚✧*:・゚✧

    2020 was. an eventful year, to say the least. i have to admit, it was a good year and a bad year. so much stuff happened, for better or for worse.

    an example of a bad thing was that i got covid. luckily, it wasn't enough to put me in the hospital or anything, i was just tired all the time and coughing my lungs out for a little bit each day. (i got it from my dad, i promise i'm not irresponsible and i didnt go to any parties.) but an example of a good thing that happened was i got a partner! we've been together since march and sadly we can't see each other in person (they also live in canada right now), but we talk on discord and instagram all the time! :D 

    some other things that happened in 2020 include- turning 16 (i'm Young), starting my sophomore year of high school, my freshman year of in-person high school getting cancelled, getting accepted into a super prestigious program at my school, shaving off all my hair (lowkey wanna do that again.. hmm..), struggled a bit with my mental health, did a lot of art, completed nanowrimo (which i will make a post all about my novel, dom't worry) and switched schools!

    ✧・゚: *✧・゚:*  now, for my resolutions!  *:・゚✧*:・゚✧

    -start posting more on here
    this one is self-explanatory.

    -recover from my eating disorder + get treatment
    this is probably going to be a tough one, i've been suffering with an eating disorder for about two years now (yikes :/) and it's been a long ride, and i want to make 2021 the year where i don't have to worry about weight gain and how many calories i've taken in.

    -listen to more music/break out of my current taste
    this one is a hard one too, because i Hate change (that's on the mental illness) but i wanna listen to more indie/kpop, right now i really only listen to my favorite playlist (which you can see here! )

    -get more comfy in cosplay
    i started cosplaying in 2020, and i spend too much time watching cosplay tiktoks on tiktok that i've adopted the habit of moving and grooving like a cosplayer.. it's bad, lol. right now i have a couple of plans for future cosplays. 

     


    (^ from my most recent cosplay, i was ibuki mioda from the danganronpa series)

    -get honor roll the rest of the 20/21 schoolyear and start the 21/22 schoolyear the same way
    this one is also kind of self explanatory, lol.

    -post on youtube more
    for those who don't know, i made a youtube channel! i haven't posted on it yet, but when i get the chance to post, i'll 100% link it here.

    -stay organized/get my life together
    i have an Extremely bad habit of not staying organized, which i blame on my ADHD. so this is also going to be semi-hard, but i'll be making an attempt.

    //

    anyway, let's talk! what are some of your new years resolutions? how did your 2020 go?

    stay cool,
    -kenzie <3

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     songs in bold are explicit.


    sappho - frankie cosmos // line without a hook - ricky montgomery // sunflower - rex orange county // me and my husband - mitski // portland - bowling shoes // manta rays - chloe moriondo // space girl - frances forever // baby hotline - jack stauber's micropop // rat - penelope scott // english love affair - 5 seconds of summer // michelle - sir chloe // hug all ur friends - cavetown // burning pile - mother mother // daddy issues - the neighbourhood // like you - PARK RD // as the world caves in - matt maltese // NEVER MET! - cmten + glitch gum 

    //

    for those who haven't been around since ~the beginning of time~, music is a big part of my life. i used to make playlists ALL THE TIME, it was to the point that people were bagging me to stop posting about my music taste.

    it's almost the beginning of december. like, holy crap, where did the time go? it's almost the end of the year. 

    //

    school has been kicking my butt. however, i do have an exciting announcement! 

    i'm going to be creating a youtube channel and i'm very excited. i plan on uploading my first video soon enough, probably next week or so. 

    i'm also participating in nanowrimo this year and i'm very close to finishing! currently at 43k words out of 50k.

    i hope yall are doing well <3

    -kenzie

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     lust 

    wrapped together 

    like two stems 

    in a bushel of cherries 
    and just as 
    red 
    just as sleek 

    gluttony 
    an insatiable craving 
    an unfilled hunger 
    always wanting 
    more 
    but never having 
    enough 

    greed 
    i took king midas by the arm 
    then snapped his bone in two 
    quickly put his hand on ice 
    i knew just what to do 
    to claim his gold all to myself 
    and all his riches too 

    sloth 
    a pond with two koi fish 
    circling each other in an endless loop of 
    “later” 
    “not now” 
    “after” 
    the slowest whirlpool ever made 

    wrath 
    the inside of my mouth 
    is as red as my vision 
    teeth and hands 
    clenched as tight 
    as my body is wound 
    i’m hurting no one but myself 

    envy 
    green eyes 
    don’t like what they see 
    green eyes 
    relish in the view of defeat 
    green eyes 
    watch as they are sewn shut 

    pride 
    beauty is below the surface; 
    lucifer was an angel 
    the most beautiful of them all 
    but his soul was selfish 
    full of hubris and arrogance 
    and that was his ultima
    te downfall  

    ///

    i. haven't posted in so long. i keep telling myself i need to continue blogging but here i am, 100% forgetting to post. 

    here's some life updates:

    -i turned 16 on the 5th. wack, bro.

    -yeah that's it, i can't think of anything else. 

    ///

    tbh i'm kind of thinking of making a new blog? i know that sounds dumb but at the same time, it'll be a fresh start, yanno? 

    anyway, that's enough of my ramblings for one day.

    stay cool and stay alive,

    -kenzie <3

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    athena. 

    your mind 
    and your tongue 
    are the greatest weapons 
    you’ll ever need 

    artemis.  
    you were born 
    with silver in your veins 
    so take aim 
    and don’t hold back 

    persephone. 
    living in hell 
    doesn’t make you 
    any less 
    of an angel  

    hera. 
    marriage is meant to be  
    a lifelong relationship  
    and the most important marriage  
    will be with yourself  

    demeter. 
    take lessons from the harvest;  
    even the smallest of seeds 
    can flourish  
    into beautiful trees  

    aphrodite. 
    your body is your armor  
    your shield  
    and your greatest weapon 
    use it well 

    rhea. 
    like the tides out to sea  
    you may crash  
    before you can 
    flow with ease 

    hesita. 
    sometimes  
    you have to look 
    beyond your four walls 
    to find your way home  

    //

    a little known fact- i'm wiccan. one of my deities is aphrodite. originally i was going to write this poem about her specifically but it ended up being about multiple greek goddesses.

    i don't have very much to post today, partially because it's late and partially because school has been kicking my butt ): i have the day off tomorrow though, so i'm going to make some posts and schedule them. 

    i hope you guys are doing well <3

    -kenzie

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    daffodil — rebirth & new beginnings
    if i choose to believe in anything
     i will believe in tomorrow;

     

    that tomorrow is coming
    peony — compassion
    embracing empathy
     is just as important
     and just as impactful
     as embracing another when they are in need of a friend
    rose — love
    there’s nothing i can say about love
     that hasn’t already been said

     

    a thousand times in a thousand rhymes
     perhaps that’s what makes it so beautiful;

     

    how universal it is, how complicated yet simple it is
    sunflower — pure thoughts & dedication
    repeat after me:
     ‘i will rise

     

    despite the shadows that cover me
     despite the gray skies above

     

    i will rise’
    daisy — loyal love
    once i have taken your hand
     it is mine to hold

     

    the way flowers can rely on the sun and the rain to give them life
     you can rely on me to be in yours
    amaryllis — worth beyond beauty
    even if all of your petals fell, even if you began to shrivel up and wilt
     it wouldn’t change the fact that you’re still
     and always will be

     

    someone’s favorite flower
    someone’s favorite flower
    tulip — declaration of love
    i don’t tell you ‘i love you’
     because it’s nice to hear

     

    i tell you because saying the words gives them life
     it makes them true

     

    and nothing is more deserving to breathe than my love for you
    hyacinth — constancy
    if there’s one thing you can rely on, it’s you
     if the sun goes cold

     

    or every last star in the galaxy burns out
    or the moon falls from grace
      you’ll still have you

     

    you’ll always have you
    snapdragon — strength
    think about every time you’ve fallen down
     and realize the one thing each moment has in common:
     you’ve gotten back up. 

    --
    i'm really into plants. (in case you couldn't tell, lol)
    idk, they're just neat.
    --
    online learning is kicking my butt right now. and it's only the second week. it kinda sucks, but i'm very happy with how my classes turned out this year. (marine biology is my current favorite).
    --
    i can drive now. and let me tell you, i'm very scared. (lmao) i'm also turning 16 in a month and a half (!!!!!) which i'm also scared about. 
    --

    i hope you all are doing well <3

    stay cool & stay alive, 

     

    -kenzie

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    yay, kenzie posts that life updates post! woo!

    --


     you see, like a flower in a sidewalk crack, you may appear to be stuck in difficult circumstance. but, like that flower, you can still grow in the environment where your roots have been planted. 

    --

    ~i have a boyfriend. he's chill, and he really likes to cuddle me (with permission, of course. i have touch issues). we've been together since february.  also he really likes ramen, i gave him ramen the day schools closed because of covid because i thought it would be one of the last times i would see him, and he actually cried happy tears over a packet of instant ramen. (i'm actually facetiming him as i write this)

    ~i got a new therapist. i went without one for about a two years, even when i was at my lowest. but she's super nice, even though i can't see her in person. she understands how my brain works (yay, mental illness and trauma!) and is super supportive of me through everything. also, she once saw me on her for you page on tiktok. 

    ~i shaved off all my hair.. oops. do i regret it?  yes and no.


     

    ~i've been drawing a lot recently. one day i'll do a sketchbook tour. one day. (watch as it never happens)

    --


    it's not easy to bloom through concrete and yet, you are. because you are strong. you have so much untapped potential, so much strength that you didn’t even know was there, and that is what will keep you going even when you feel like you cannot go anymore. you don’t even realize how strong you are without even trying. 

    --

    ~i finally made a second playlist on spotify to listen to that has more.. updated, i guess?.. music. my main playlist was full of emo stuff i listened to in middle school. i don't really listen to that stuff anymore. but if you're interested, here's the playlist. 

    ~i'm going to be a sophomore in high school in a couple weeks. that's lowkey really scary, it feels like just yesterday i was a freshman wandering the empty halls trying to find the counseling office. (i never found it on my own, btw. i had to get a hall monitor to lead the way for me LMAO) sadly, i'm going to a new school, and my school is going to be online until the middle of january (,: 

    ~i've read SO many good books recently. my favorites right now are little universes by heather demitrios and we are the ants by shaun david hutchinson. quarantine gave me an excuse to reread all the books on my (currently overflowing) bookshelf.

    ~i'm slowly learning how to recover. it's going to take a while, of course. but trying is what counts, right? i've been learning other healthy coping mechanisms for my eating disorder, been put on new adhd/depression medication that seems to be working, and i'm almost two and a half years (!!!!) clean of self harm (biggest accomplishment)

    ~i have an etsy shop now!! i opened it a couple weeks ago, and i plan on adding more stuff. 85% of the money i get from my shop goes towards various mental health/blm/lgbtq organizations. here it is!! 

    ~i became a mod in a discord server! that's been taking up a lot of my time lol.

    --

    keep growing, little flower. keep growing.

    --

    let's talk!! what have you guys been up to? anything special? 

    stay cool & stay alive,

    -kenzie

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    kenzie ♡
    kenzie ☆ 16 ☆ they/them ☆ aspiring novelist + poet ☆ space nerd ☆ visual artist ☆ chronic illness warrior ☆ danganronpa fanatic
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